Home Culture God says eclipse bisecting America is no accident: reports

God says eclipse bisecting America is no accident: reports

Religious leaders across the United States are reporting receiving messages directly from God, via dreams and texts and whispering holy books. It doesn't sound good.

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LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas — Religious leaders across the United States are reporting receiving messages directly from God, saying that it is no accident the total eclipse on April 8 is bisecting the country into two.

“God came into my dreams last night and told me the eclipse is symbolic of our country falling apart,” said Pastor Jeremiah Greene of Little Rock, Arkansas.

“I suppose we should just obey and let it happen,” he added.

People of other faiths were also visited by strange messages and dreams.

“Allah told me the United States is doomed,” said Abdullah Akbar, imam of the main mosque in Austin, Texas. “The eclipse is the surest sign yet.”

Akbar said he received God’s message via text from an unknown number.

“This was not spam,” he tried to insure.

Liam Mendel, rabbi of a Jewish temple in New York, said he heard whispers coming from the Torah.

“I couldn’t believe it, the Torah was speaking to me,” he said. “I suppose we could emigrate to Israel to escape the coming civil war here in America, but I’ve heard there are some issues in the Middle East right now.”

“I spoke with our community last night. We are thinking maybe Jamaica to start again,” he said.

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